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What does the way you speak to your spouse have to do with your lingering marriage problems? If you are to a point of absolute misery in your marriage but want to work things out so you can stay together, the first thing you need to do is analyze how you are communicating with one another when it comes to discussing your relationship.

The biggest differential between couples that are able to salvage a difficult marriage and those that end up in divorce often comes down to communication. While every couple believes they are communicating in an open and honest manner, they are in fact coming at one another in a very defensive, accusatory manner which puts the other up in arms instead of at ease.

Chances are you do the same thing on a regular basis without even realizing it! So many people say they just don’t understand why their spouse won’t open up and talk to them. What they don’t realize is that they are shutting down that possibility by the tone of their voice or their choice of words when they initiate the conversation.

The problem is that there is such a surge of raw, painful emotion that lurks behind every conversation a struggling couple has. In order to push past this, you have to first recognize it is there. Then, you need new strategies to get your spouse to drop his/her guard and have a real conversation that can lead to healing action.

For starters, the time that you pick to talk with your spouse should always be when they are in a good mood and relaxed. So, you don’t want to come at them the second they come home from being fired at their job or just seconds after they hang up the phone from a tense work related conversation.

Next, you want to ensure that the way you open the conversation does not make them anticipate a fight. If they think you are upset with them or that you are blaming them for something they will immediately pull away instead of opening themselves to you.

Third, have your words carefully planned out ahead of time or even read from paper. You want to focus on your thoughts and feelings without accusing them or placing blame. Make it about you and include your feelings for your spouse and how much you love them in there as well.

You can start to fix marriage problems with a method such as this, but you cannot expect huge steps forward to be made right away. This will start to open the door for better communications so that the heart of your problems can be aired and eventually corrected.

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